


Uncertainties

by Themaidsdiaries



Category: All Creatures Great and Small (TV), All Creatures Great and Small - James Herriot
Genre: Christmas Special, Drama & Romance, F/F, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themaidsdiaries/pseuds/Themaidsdiaries
Summary: It's Christmas time. Dorothy and Edward visit Skedale House and nothing goes as expected.(basically pure speculation about the Christmas special or what I’d like to happen).
Relationships: Siegfried Farnon & Mrs. Hall, Siegfried Farnon/Mrs. Hall, siegfried farnon/Dorothy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Uncertainties

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language. Please, forgive my typos and mistakes.
> 
> So... Well... Christmas Special is almost here and there’s some info and photos about it online. To be honest I’m not thrilled with some plots (ok, just with one, obviously). So I decided to play with it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, just read for fun.  
> Hope you guys like it <3

"You can only be kidding, Edward." Audrey's words make her son tighten his lips for a brief moment.

“Of course not, mother. I have been with him every week and I have never seen him look better. He always asks if I have news from you. Why does thinking about this possibility seem so absurd to you?”

“Because I spent years trying to save our family. Because I did everything I could and couldn't to get things back to work and they only got worse.” Audrey sounds exasperated in her own ears when she says the obvious. Edward was there, he saw and heard part of what happened, however much she tried to protect him. “Did you forget how he was? The things he did? ”

The feeling is that it was just a bad joke. Was your son really saying that she should go back to her alcoholic and aggressive ex-husband?

Audrey tries to be patient to explain, but fails. She spent weeks looking forward to that day, made countless plans, thought of everything, including how to behave and what matters to avoid in order not to alienate her son, not to make him leave in a rage. And yet, he was him, advising her to do something unthinkable.

"No, but people change and I believe my dad has changed and you could recognize that." Edward responds stubbornly.

It was easier to snow in the hell than that man to change. She tried to help him in every way possible, she tried to please him, tried to show him the reality, but nothing worked. He didn't want to see it and they definitely would never get back togeter.

“I changed too, son. And this is my home.” She responds frankly.

Edward doesn't like to be upset. Even though he is a man, he acts like a spoiled child when someone says something he doesn't like and his once friendly and charming expression turns into a cold mask.

It hurts Audrey. She sees so much of herself in her son's appearance, but so little in his heart.

"This is ridiculous! You always insisted that we should be together and now instead of coming home you want to stay here! Why?" When he looks like that, his expression twitches in the same way as his father's and she tries, with all her heart, not to think that her son is like him.

“Because I remade my life. It took me years to take courage, but I decided I needed to change and I've changed. I am happy here and I won't go back to your father, neither today, nor tomorrow, nor ever again. You need to understand this, Edward. That chapter of my life is over. ”

Edward looks livid for a moment and she feels shattered. Having a pleasant day in the company of her son was such a difficult request? Oh God...

"Is it because of that man?" He asks in a cold voice.

Audrey knows very well who he is referring to - Siegfriefd. The question bothers her more than she shows. Because yes, it was because of him. Siegfried had his mania and his tantrums, contradicted himself, denied the obvious when it was convenient for him and was indulgent with himself, but he was a good man and she liked to share the same roof with him. She was happy and felt safe there, at home. But that's not all, is it? She confronts herself. No, of course not.

“Mr. Farnon is a good man, he...” She stops because she doesn't know where that line of thought is going to take her. "It is difficult to find a employer like him, especially as a woman in my position."

What she forgets is that her son knows her well and does not mistake her hesitation for a moment of uncertainty.

"Oh, Mother!" Edward has a beautiful smile, which becomes a frown when he is carried with such disdain. "You are in love with him."

Audrey is astonished by his words and his perception. When had your son become so cunning?

"Look yourself in the mirror, mother." Edward continues. “Do you think that he, or any man in his position, will want a woman like you? It's pathetic. You look like a rag.”

Or so cruel?

Audrey's silence stretches. She swallows. The words "Of course not, where did you get this silly idea from?" flash in bold letters in her brain without, however, leaving her mouth. Although she wants to deny it, she can't.

"You can't even deny it."

"I think," She says gently, although she feels extremely offended and hurt. "It's time for you to go, son."

"Are you sending me away?"

"I am."

As offended as Edward seemed at that moment, those words hurt her more than they hurt him.

* * *

"I am very happy that you came to visit us." Siegfried said in a hoarse, low and extremely charming voice as he leaned towards her, though a little hesitantly.

"So am I." Dorothy smiled attractive, full of expectations.

Siegfried Farnon was a curious man. Interesting, fun, well mannered, but it seemed extremely uncertain how to act, despite showing an obvious interest in her. Dorothy wondered if that hesitation was due to her lack of practice. It was difficult to get out there after a long time married, that she knew well, but it must be even more difficult after being married for a long time and widowed for a considerable period. So she understood and acted in the most delicate way possible, giving him space to create the limits in their relationship.

How would be like to be loved with such devotion?

When he stopped, halfway to her lips, Dorothy was not entirely surprised at first. Siegfried's expression changed considerably. His bright eyes lose focus, his brow furrowed and his once inviting lips twitched together. He assumed a dismayed and focused expression. Slowly his fingers release hers and he took a step back. Dorothy knew that any possibility had died there, although she did not fully understand how she knew it.

Jess jumped off the couch snarling, startling her. The dog ran off through one of the innumerable doors of that house that sometimes reminds her of a maze.

Dorothy then notes that it is not just his expression that has changed, but his entire stance. As if suddenly she were nothing but a piece of furniture in the room, Siegfried moved away with his attention all focused on the corridor. Focusing her ears Dorothy can hear the footsteps approaching and two people talking quietly in a dry tone - Aud and Edward.

"Be quiet!" Audrey scolded the dog, who continued to growl between loud barks.

Siegfried immediately crossed the room to the hall door. Standing there, in an alert position, he looks like a guard dog and promptly Jess stands at his feet. Dorothy approaches. Her friend and son finally come into view. Edward looks at her with the same mockery that his father looked at her years ago. The boy's gaze drifts from her to Siegfried. A scornful laugh escapes his nose and he turns to look at his mother.

"What did I tell you?" His tone is fierce and cruel. How could he be such a son of his father and so little of his own mother? He would always hurt Audrey.

Audrey's contained expression changes slightly. She blinks, nervous, unable to look in their direction. It's a tic of her. Her whole life was like that. If she felt uncomfortable, embarrassed or surprised she would blink her eyes in that almost funny way. At that moment, however, seeing her like that is not in the least funny. Her face was pale when she opened the door for the son to leave.

"What's going on, Mrs. Hall?" Siegfried asks, his fists clenched at his sides. It was clear that he was holding himself up not to address Edward.

Despite the tension in his body, his words and his look at Audrey are sweet and dismayed.

"Nothing." Audrey replies, still without looking at them and with a brief forced smile. "Edward is going home."

"Isn't it a little early yet?" Siegfried insists.

"He has a long way to go." Indeed, he does. If Edward ever wants to be someone better he will have to go a long way.

Edward's eyes run from his mother to Siegfried, recording their reactions in small details.

"Mother, reconsider, go home."

Those words make Audrey paler and then Dorothy understands. What a fool she had been!

"Your mother is at home." Siegfried's words sound harsh, but imbued with an indisputable truth.

"Is she?" Edward is mocked and Dorothy hates the way he looks at her, as if she were a whore. “It seems to me she’s not exactly the…”

She should have noticed it earlier. Audrey was extremely embarrassed when asked if he was her partner; she looked away and smiled briefly every time they talked about Siegfried; and, mainly, she had noticed the spark of interest appearing in him.

"It’ enough Edward, come on." Audrey snaped, angrily at last. "Now."

She couldn't look at either of them, with her head down and was hyperventilating when she held the door tightly, using it as a protective barrier. Beside her, Dorothy saw a confused and heartbroken Siegfried by watching her leave with the son out of the house, closing the door behind her. His devotion might not be for his wife, after all.

The seconds elapsed and he remained there, with the dog at his feet and staring at the door, as if he expected Audrey to enter immediately.

If Dorothy knew her friend well, and she did, she knew it would take Audrey a while to return and maybe she wouldn't do it through the front door.

“Mr. Farnon? ”

Totally oblivious to her, Siegfried was startled when she called him. Dismay is still on his face, as well as great embarrassment. He had completely forgotten about her.

"Oh... Dorothy... I..." He starts, uncertain. His gaze drifts from one side to another.

"Maybe it's time for me to go too." Her words have the expected effect, he just nods.

"I'm sorry." He doesn't specify why, but she knows and feels the same. This would be a huge mistake for both of them, which by a divine miracle had been avoided.

Dorothy collects her purse, scarf, coat and hat.

"If you don't mind, I would like to ask a question." Dorothy begins delicately, choosing her words well. Siegfried nods again and waits for her to continue. "Your uncertainty and your insecurity are related to your feelings for your wife or for ..." she smiles warmly "Audrey?"

Siegfried looks away from hers and takes a deep breath. His eyebrows go up towards his hair and he wets his lips with his tongue in an anxious gesture.

"I-I..." He stammers, as if searching his brain for what to say. "I have a very high esteem and respect for Mrs. Hall."

Dorothy has no doubt about that, however...

"This is notorious, but when one pays attention it doesn't seem to be just that." Her words do not sound like an accusation, on the contrary. She touches his arm gently. "I think you need to put your feelings in order, before trying to move forward."

* * *

Siegfried carefully opens the kitchen door and Jess hurries past him.

The scene is pitiful. He had never, in all those years, seen Audrey Hall so cornered or fragile. Supporting her hands on the sink, she looked at the accumulated dirty dishes with a profound desolation that he would liked to be able to brush aside.

Jess caught her eye as she rubbed her head on her legs and she finally noticed him. Their gaze does not last for more than two seconds and he feels his heart sink inside his chest. Where was that woman who marched through the house giving orders like a general? Who was this frightened creature who could barely breathe? Everything is wrong, she is not like that and he does not want to see her like this.

He didn't know exactly what that cowardly and naughty boy had said to his mother, but he was sure it was something cruel and certainly unfair.

 _Are your uncertainty and insecurity related to your feelings for your wife or Audrey?_ Dorothy's question echoes in his thoughts.

Seeing her like this he feels a whirlwind of emotions. Anger for Edward, frustration at not being there to avoid what had happened, empathy for her... He wanted to comfort her, tell her it wasn't true (whatever the boy said) and involve his arms around her.

"Mrs. Hall I... ”He starts, in a terribly soft tone, but which looks, from her expression, like a new sting instead of a cuddle.

She was extremely embarrassed. He understand. That day must have gone on in a totally different way.

“I'm sorry if we ruined your… moment.” She says, still unable to face him and it bothers him more than any previous interruption.

"You didn’t, I..." He starts and stops. _I don't know what I'm doing anymore._

"Go on then!" She tries to sound encouraging, but her voice has a squeaky streak at the end. “What are you doing here instead of being with Dorothy?”

It is clear to him that she did not understand what actually happened.

"She went home."

His answer surprises her and some of the tension in her shoulders disappears. Audrey lowers her head momentarily and he sees her take a deep breath. Is it guilt she feels? He sincerely hopes not.

"So early?" She gives him a sneaky look over her shoulder. Time seems to stretch and when she speaks she sound and looks more like herself. "Was it that bad?"

Sarcasm loads Audrey's voice and he is relieved. If she can be sarcastic she may not be as destroyed as she looks. This is a good sign. A great sign.

"Nothing happened, and to be honest I think nothing will ever happen between me and Dorothy."

Audrey looks away from him, focusing on Jess momentarily.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not sure I am." Siegfried said with raw honesty. Audrey studies him for a long time before lowering her head again. This worries him. He doesn't want her to feel guilty about something she isn't. The interruption had not been the problem after all. He was. Him and his uncertainty, he and his fear for his own feelings. He and his fear of being rejected by her. Siegfried swallows, trying to brush away this thoughts from his mind. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

“Not really. Do you?”

"Not in the moment." Another time, perhaps. With time and thoughtfulness he may understand his own feelings and be motivated to talk to her about it, but he is not ready yet. "Do you feel at home here, don’t you?" His question sounds so low that he wonders if she heard it.

"I do, Mr. Farnon." A small affectionate smile curves her lips for a moment.

“Good. Because this is our home,” _Ours, mine and yours_. “Why don't you leave the dishes for later? Come on, let’s have a drink. I think we both need it desperately and the boys will be back home soon.”

Audrey thinks for a moment before she starts to nod. "All right." She takes a deep breath and relaxes without knowing the relief it causes him to see her composed. "Come on, Jess." Audrey pats the dog on the head and mumbles: "What’s going on with this dog?" as if she didn't know.

Siegfried smiles and shrugs, opening the kitchen door for her.

"Seems to me, my dear Mrs. Hall, that she’s rather fond of you." And so was he.

**Author's Note:**

> Guess this works sort of a prequel for “Mourning’s End”.  
> Thanks for reading  
> x


End file.
